Falling in love can feel like the most amazing thing ever—but it can also cloud your judgment. Sometimes, people who want to control you will disguise their bad behavior as “love.” This makes it hard to see the warning signs until you’re already in too deep. Here are ten red flags that might seem romantic at first. But they usually point to someone who’s trying to control you, is overly focused on themselves, or is emotionally abusive.
- Love Bombing: When “Swept Off Your Feet” Is a Trap
Getting showered with gifts, constant texts, and declarations of “I’ve never felt this way before!” in the first week might feel incredible. But it could be love bombing—a tactic where someone overwhelms you with affection to get you attached quickly. This lowers your defenses, which is often a red flag for manipulation. Once they’ve got you hooked, the affection often turns into criticism. Alternatively, they may start pulling away.
Watch for: Saying “I love you” way too soon. Also, pressuring you to feel as strongly as they do, or making you feel guilty when you need space.
- Jealousy Disguised as “I’m Just Protecting You”
A little jealousy can seem flattering. But if they’re constantly asking where you are, who you’re with, or what you’re wearing, that’s not caring—it’s controlling. Experts say that too much jealousy often leads to isolating you from others. They might also try to control what you do. Be cautious of these actions, as they might signal red flags.
Watch for: Accusing you of things without proof. Demanding your social media passwords, or getting angry when you spend time with friends.
- Constant Communication That Ignores Your Boundaries
Getting tons of “just checking in” messages every day might seem sweet—until you realize you can’t focus on work, friends, or taking care of yourself. Abusive people use constant contact to keep tabs on you. This behavior is designed to wear you down. They often combine it with love-bombing praise. Beware of these communication patterns as they can signify red flags.
Watch for: Feeling anxious when you don’t reply right away. You may also be punished (like the silent treatment or guilt trips) for not responding fast enough.
- Future Faking: Big Promises, No Action
“Let’s move in together, get married, travel the world!”—and they say all this after only a few dates. Future faking is when someone dangles exciting future plans to keep you interested. Meanwhile, they enjoy the benefits now. These benefits could be money, status, or sex. But those plans never actually happen. Often, this behavior reeks of red flags.
Watch for: Making grand plans but never taking steps to make them real. Constantly changing the goals, or making excuses when you ask for a timeline.
- Control Dressed Up as Chivalry
Insisting on ordering your food “because I know what you like,” driving you everywhere so you’re “safe,” or telling you who’s “good” for you might seem thoughtful—until you realize you’re losing your independence. Trying to control you is often disguised as being protective, which is a red flag.
Watch for: Making decisions for you without asking, criticizing your choices, or monitoring your spending.
- Isolation Sold as “Quality Time”
In a new relationship, you’ll naturally want to spend a lot of time together. However, healthy partners still encourage you to see your friends and family. If someone tries to get you to skip family dinners, quit your hobbies, or leave your job so you can “focus on us,” they are trying to make you dependent on them. Such actions should raise red flags.
Watch for: Sulking when you make plans without them or making subtle digs at your friends and family.
- Gaslighting Wrapped in “I Know You Better Than You Know Yourself”
If your partner denies your memories (“That never happened”), feelings (“You’re too sensitive”), or perceptions, they’re gaslighting you—making you doubt yourself so you rely on their version of reality. Gaslighting is a big red flag.
Watch for: Constantly denying obvious facts, rewriting history, or calling you “confused” when you express concerns.
- Hot-and-Cold “Passion” Used to Keep You Off-Balance
Intense chemistry one day, icy distance the next creates anxiety that can feel like deeper love. Experts say this inconsistency is often a sign of emotional immaturity or manipulation, which are red flags in a relationship.
Watch for: Unpredictable patterns of affection and feeling like you have to “earn” stability in the relationship.
- Boundary-Pushing Branded as “True Intimacy”
Saying things like “If you trusted me, you’d share your passwords” or “Real couples have no secrets” ignores the fact that healthy relationships respect personal boundaries.
Watch for: Pressuring you to share too much too soon. Also, dismissing your comfort level, or acting like you’re rejecting them when you say “no.”
- Over-Criticism Framed as “Helping You Improve”
Helpful feedback builds you up; constant criticism tears you down. Partners who constantly nitpick your appearance, career, or friends while claiming they’re “just being honest” are actually trying to lower your self-esteem. This allows them to control you, and is a red flag to watch for.
Watch for: Comments that make you feel small. Apologies like “I’m only saying this because I love you,” and a lot more criticism than praise.
Quick Gut-Check
Do you feel more anxious than loved?
Are your boundaries respected without a fight? Recognize these red flags before it’s too late.
Can you still have your own friends, hobbies, and privacy?
Do their words match their actions over time?
If you answered “no” to any of these, take a step back and talk to trusted friends, a therapist, or a relationship hotline. Healthy love makes you feel stronger, not trapped.
